Marcia's Musings: Speak the Sweet Truth
/Telling the truth is important – the rub comes in how to do it.
When I call a certain friend, I revel in his recorded message if he is unable to answer his phone: “Speak the truth. But speak the sweet truth.” As the recording ends, I sense the clarity, loving-kindness, and the fierceness, too, contained in these words. The question then arises: Is it possible to speak truth sweetly? And does the adage taught by parents and teachers for generation - to 10 (or, in my case, to 110) before speaking – complement this teaching?
When setting an intention to tell the sweet truth, I try to follow this advice, sometimes more successfully than others:
The yoga Vedic teaching to speak the sweet truth – Satyaṃ brūyāt priyaṃ brūyāt in Sanskrit – invites us to use exquisite subtlety in communicating the truth; this virtually demands that we pause before speaking. The teaching goes on:
सत्यं ब्रूयात् प्रियं ब्रूयात्
Speak the truth, speak sweetly,
Don’t speak truth in an unloving way,
Don’t speak untruth in a pleasant way,
This is the eternal law.
The art of healthy communications lies not only in speaking the sweet truth but also in integrating sweetness into all aspects of communicating truthfully – feelings, emotions, and body language. Each of us remembers a time when we heard kind words in truth-telling from someone, yet their facial expressions or other body language said the opposite, leaving us to try to interpret what the truth really was.
Once when I asked a relative who had been stonily quiet for some time if I had offended him, he said, “No,” with a broad smile on his face. I noticed, though, that he vehemently kicked my shoes across the floor when he walked through our laundry room. When the sweet truth integrates itself through all communications forms – verbal, oral, written, body language – the opportunity for positive outcome grows exponentially.
When setting an intention to tell the sweet truth, I try to follow this advice, sometimes more successfully than others:
Pause Before Speaking: Off-the-cuff truth-telling carries the danger of not being sweet. Unthinking reaction often results in collisions of minds and hearts and sometimes of bodies. The elders’ reminder to “think before you speak” or “count to ten before you speak” earned its merit over the centuries and can be found in many different ethical and philosophical teachings. Once the words leave lips or land on paper or screen, it’s too late to consider them.
Start with “I” Statements: “I feel”, “I’ve observed”, “I want to share what’s troubling me”, “I saw” - all these are examples of speaking from the “I space”. They invite dialog rather than communicating blame or shame. Starting with “I” has a much better chance of fostering healthy exchange rather than starting with “you”. Saying “I feel sad at our lack of spending time together” sounds to the receiver’s years much sweeter, loving, and/or kind than “You ignore me and make me sad.” Starting with “I” rather than “you” takes practice. It may feel awkward at first. Keep at it because it makes a positive difference.
Avoid Sweet Little White Lies (Sweet Little Big Lies, Too): Sometimes, it feels kinder to tell a little white lie with pleasant words. Nothing could be further from the, well, truth. Telling a white lie in a pleasant way almost always backfires because doing to builds resentments, anger, or avoidance. Forgetting that you told a little white lie to protect someone will cause a person even more hurt when the truth finally “will out” – come to light. It might make you feel slightly better at the time, yet “speaking the untruth pleasantly” can cause the other person to hurt deeply later.
Four Important Questions to Ask Yourself in Pursuit of the Sweet Truth
Many years ago, a profoundly important teacher and friend in my life shared the following list with me. When applied before speaking the sweet truth to someone, these questions create a safe space to reflect before the words leave your lips, your keyboard, your pen:
Is this the right time? Timing, often, is everything.
Is this the right place? The location of speaking the sweet truth preserves dignity.
Are these the right (kind or sweet) words? Ask yourself: How would these words land with me?
Will speaking make a difference? If not, save your breath and each other’s dignity.
It is human nature to avoid expressing what others do not want to hear, and yet withholding the truth causes harm in countless ways and ultimately can swamp relationships. Remember: It's the how that matters most. Note the difference in telling a friend that she lost being elected to a board of directors and telling her that she’s a failure for having done so. Which would you prefer?
Sitting on the truth also can lead to “bubble mentality”, an artificial environment that leads a person to being surrounded by “yes people”. This action distorts facts and ultimately weakens relationships, institutions, and peace – personally, nationally, globally – itself. There’s nothing sweet about that.
Embrace the eternal law.
