Marcia's Musings: What's Holding You Back?
/Inner wars and conflicts never pass without struggle. Whether the focus is on love, relationship, food, exercise, mission, money, or anything else, once the inner struggle begins, we easily bog down, mired in the mud of indecision and inaction. Ask me: I’m expert on this one.
The toughest, most persistent inner struggles for me rarely occur due to an inability to make a decision. Most people in my life describe me as decisive and clear in my opinion, especially in my professional life. In my private life, even when the decision to take seems clear, I slow down, sometimes to a crawl. An inner conflict or war grinds on as surely as Russian aggression toward Ukraine does. I understand from years of personal examination, the valuable input of friends, working with an adept psychologist, and using modalities like EFT and wellness coaching that when it comes to those I love and to what I should do in my personal life, I proceed with caution.
This learned behavior stems from living with my precious, loving mother who struggled with high anxiety from girlhood, managing it with steely and exhausting grit. In our family of three, Dad and I formed a protective wall around her to ease stress when her mighty ability to camouflage it would occasionally disintegrate. I learned to feel comfortable with and protective of people who carried high levels of stress. I would use my considerable skills - ingrained since childhood – to protect (him, her, they) from anything jarring for too long, as one of my longest-time friends recently wrote to me.
This does not make me a saint. In fact, it may not be helpful at all in the long run for most anxious or fearful people in my life or for me. That instinct to accommodate or protect clouds clear and open communications, perhaps it unintentionally inhibits growth in both people. Sooner or later, frustration boils over, and often what rushes out feels like a frightening torrent.
Of course, the complexity of relationships represents a category separate from the other inner ones we have with ourselves. What school shall I attend? What course of study shall I select? Should I travel here or there? Shall I spend time on this hobby or that volunteer activity? What shall I do to feel and look stronger and healthier? Should I stay in the relationship or has it reached its natural? How shall I encourage my brain toward flexibility rather than retreating to ingrained beliefs? When we resist questioning ourselves, beliefs, emotions, actions, and feelings become so rigid that they inhibit the health of a system that can stay supple to the end as we know from modern brain science. How do we move forward to break out of patterns of negative self-talk and judgment during inner struggles?
I’ve been thinking about this so much of late because of what we hear in our work. Sometimes we run into students and guests of Green Lotus in other places – grocery and drug stores, movies and museums, parks and restaurants. Often the conversations post-pandemic take on tones similar to the ones going on in my head. They go something like this: “Oh, it’s so wonderful to see you! I so want to come back. I don’t like how I feel physically, energetically, emotionally. I want to begin yoga classes again, yet I just get bogged down. I need massage (or acupuncture or energy work), yet I just don’t take action.” As I did for my mother, and do for myself and others I care about, I immediately seek to soothe: “Don’t worry. You’ll know when to come back. You can begin again anytime.” On and on.
About two months ago while visiting in a quiet grocery-store aisle with a dear and valued former guest, I kindly asked after when she’d shared a similar narrative: “What’s holding you back? What’s standing in your way? What’s it going to take?” I could feel in my body that I was asking myself the same clear questions. Our eyes locked, and, I think, something shifted for us both. The next week she came back, and the same week I reinvigorated my own practices of yoga and meditation. I signed up for a sound bath and a Feldenkrais workshop, hoping to jog loose the “stuckness” I felt internally. Rather than feeling guilty, much less shamed, to ask such questions, we leaned into each other. As we did so, I think we realized that most of us are quite similar in this way: Sometimes rather than needing to be soothed, we need to be encouraged, even pushed a little. Whatever happened, it felt seismic to me, and I think it did to her, too.
This is what I want to say:
What’s holding you (me) back? I’m listening.
What standing in your (my) way? Let’s break down obstacles together.
What’s it going to take for you (me) to begin again? Let’s help each other.
The science of the brain and body prove that suppleness - physically, emotionally, and mentally - can continue well into advanced old age. Given that, what really am I waiting for to end the inner struggle and move forward?
What’s holding you back?
